The Secretary

He always hated the Christmas celebration in the office. Most of the workers in the office were a bit stressed by the time it started. The normal work had to be done while the working hours were two hours shorter. And after that everybody would go like meek sheep to the canteen. The ugly furniture would be stacked up against the wall and some obligatory Christmas ornaments would be hanging on the walls. The management would “spontaneously” mingle with the common workers and would show their fake comradeship for one whole hour before sneaking out.

He hated himself even more to be taking part of it today. For years he had come up with brilliant excuses to be able to flee from it. Why on earth did he have to tell his co-worker that his wife and children were away this weekend, visiting auntie in the North. Now he couldn’t refuse to go along with Fred. He could get on with Fred quite well though they were completely the opposite. Fred was the party animal in the office, he even took part in decorating the miserable canteen.

Things went like he remembered it from the first years he had been working. After ten minutes there was the usual parading in ofthe complete management and their staff, the big boss walking in front with a smile that almost tore his face in two. The man turned half around and gave a nod and immediately the procession behind him split apart. He was just bringing two new beers to the table on the far end upon Fred and he had taken a good position. He understood why Fred wanted to sit over there. It gave a good view on the growing crowd. Like every year the girls had taken a lot of work to be dressed nicely. Some must have been ages in the toilet rearranging their clothing and make-up. They knew they had to, because there was a great danger to be named Miss Rags or something like that in the talks of the gossiping office. It should not be too sexy either, the risk of being considered an office whore was there too.

When he reached Fred again his place was taken by the secretary of his manager and her friend. She worked as a secretary too, but in the other side of the building. He didn’t even know her name.

He gave Fred his beer and asked the girls if he could get them something.

When he came back with two red wines, there was only the secretary left on the table. Fred and the other girl he could see in the crowd, being in a sort of desperate dance. Their hands were waving in the air, to and from. Some others were joining in. Probably this was a popular song.

So he sat next to the secretary. She thanked him for the wine and they started some small talk. She didn’t feel like dancing today.

Lea was much nicer than he expected. After a few more drinks he hardly noticed the dancing pack any more. Sometimes Fred and the other girl came back for a sip, Fred brought new drinks too. Fred danced with the secretary once while he had to dance with the other girl. He noticed how sweaty she had become. When they got back to their table, he wiped his hands on his trousers.

He noticed that the management and staff had disappeared except for the duo Fred and he were with. Fred and the other girl ran off for another dance. This one was quite slow and their dancing became even slower. They were whispering in each others ears and their hands were wandering.

He got another drink for Lea and him. He placed the drinks down next to Lea and went to the toilet.

While he was peeing he could hear the voice of a woman and Fred pleading her to be quiet. They had to be in one of the cubicles.

When he got back to Lea she jumped off the table. She wanted to leave, go to a nicer place and searched with her eyes in the canteen for her friend. He told her the friend would be busy for some time. So they decided to leave together.

She had her bicycle in front of the building and asked him to sit on the back. He protested a bit, this was not very gentleman like. But she insisted and off they went.

In a few minutes they reached a small café. Besides two old men sitting at the bar it was completely empty.

They sat down at a table at the window.

Lea told him more than he normally would ever hear from her. It proved he didn’t know her at all.

Her older sister had committed suicide at the age of 13, her father got cancer very soon after that and died within year. In her opinion he died from grief. Since then she had lived with her mother who was showing mild signs of dementia. She expected to be bound to her for quite some more years, didn’t want to leave her.

Because of the tears in her eyes he tried to bring on nicer subjects. They chatted about nothing special after that. He never had noticed before how lovely her eyes were. In fact she really was quite attractive.

She brushed some dust from his knee and it almost felt like her hand was burning through the fabric. He took a look at the clock in the café. Almost nine already, so he was drinking five hours. No wonder he felt so weird. He told Lea he had to go, he was going to order a taxi to the station.

She talked him out of that, she would bring him to the station on her bike after a last drink. While drinking this last one, she suddenly observed him sharply. She asked him to keep his face still, held it in one hand and very careful picked something from under his left eye. It was a little hair, almost in his eye, she said. Laughingly he thanked her for saving his life.

The station was nearer than he expected. He got off the bike and thanked her. He wanted to kiss her on a cheek, but suddenly her mouth was on his. It was not by accident, her tongue was sliding in his mouth and soon the taste of red wine was everywhere.

He should withdraw, he thought. What about his wife and children? What would he do if she asked him to spend the night. It would feel very rude to refuse, but on the other hand: he was married and loved his wife and children dearly. He was in total confusion, guilt and lust were competing in his head. And the kiss went on and on, he could not bring himself to stop it.

In the end it was Lea who withdrew. “Say hi to your wife!”, she said with a sweet smile. She got on her bicycle and rode off. Once she looked back and waved at him. He waved back when she already had disappeared.

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IT

My parents were never too happy with the books I wanted to read. But they were wise enough not to refuse me reading what they had in their bookcase. I was eleven and wanted to know everything that was going on in the world and what had been going on in history. Reading “Stalingrad” by Helmut Kirst was very disturbing. All the blood and gore during the battle in World War ll was a bit much. So it was a welcome break when my friend Louis came around for me.

He wanted to visit another friend, Derek, who lived on a farm near the village where we lived.I always wondered how his family could live on their farm. The family consisted of mother, father and 16 or 18 children. We even suspected that the parents themselves lost count. I didn’t know Derek at all. His family was catholic, so he went to another school than we did.

Derek waited for us in front of the farm in between some milk-cans. He was quite a tall boy, almost as tall as Louis. Compared to them I looked like a dwarf, I thought. But they didn’t mind, so why should I. The farmer boy was wearing green rubber boots. Very unlike us, we were wearing sandals on this nice summer day. Derek offered us to get some fresh milk -directly from the cow – but Louis and I were not thirsty or hungry. So we went into the fields.

I had no idea that behind their farm the fields were so extensive. The road to the village was never busy but in these fields you were very aware of the silence. All you could hear were flies around cow patty and dragon-flies above the ditches. Soon it proved that boots were better to walk on. Some parts of the fields were quite wet, so Louis and I were sopping in our shoes very soon. But it was all so nice that we didn’t bother. Sometimes frogs jumped up just a second before we would trample on them.

After a while we just sat near a ditch. We talked a bit about our schools. Louis and I were wondering how things were without girls in school, we thought it would be weird being in a school like his. The catholic girls went to a school on the other side of the village. We had some more chatting before we fell silent. It was obvious that the world of Derek was completely different from ours.

We chewed on a straw, laid back and watched the clouds passing by by.

Derek was the first who got up again. He needed to piss, he told us. Maybe we were feeling for a competition: who could pee further in a ditch. Louis took the challenge, I didn’t feel the urge to pee neither to prove myself. Of course Derek won.

We walked back to the farm, Derek promised his father to feed the pigs. Coming close to the farm he told us his oldest sister allowed him in her bed. Louis and I were not impressed. Then he went on about that they did “it”. I didn’t have the faintest idea what he was talking about. Louis listened to it with a straight face, without any expression. I knew that this meant he didn’t know what this meant either. We both didn’t say a thing, just nodded. No need to show ignorance!

When the two of us walked back the subject didn’t return. Talks were about the future, our professions. Louis wanted to become a jet pilot, I knew I would become a world famous archaeologist.

At home I wondered for some time if I should ask about this matter to Big Sister. I decided not to, probably it would be very childish of me not to know about “it”.

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The Father Slave

Every men I know accept their role as a chauffeur, a handy man, a financier, a study coach for the children and as the one who is buying the more heavy stuff needed in the household. And of course men are quite happy with ordering food and drinks for the family while being on a holiday. Somehow the husband and father should have knowledge of every language. The family counts on him!

Sometimes you see things and you will think: I would never be like this!

One day at the ferry between Hook of Holland and Harwich I saw a scene that made me think like this.

At a table in the restaurant of the ferry I saw a woman that was very overweight with a red face and three extra chins. Next to her were two fat teenage children, a boy and a girl. Because their features were almost exactly like hers there was only one conclusion possible: a mother and her two children. Because of their overweight they couldn’t sit properly; they were sort of hanging in their seats, their bellies almost at the same height as their heads. The kids were playing with their mobile phones and mother was looking around bored and now and again drumming with her fingers on the table. She was waiting and was getting impatient, that was very obvious.

I could almost hear him sigh and he walked back to the counter. The boy shouted at him that he should bring some extra salt along.After some time a skinny man appeared with a tray on which three plates filled with chips and hamburgers. He had managed to put three glasses of cola next to them. He served the three fat persons and took six satchels of mayonnaise out of his pockets. I could overhear the woman saying that she was very disappointed: she didn’t want a cola! Of course not! He could have thought about getting her a wine. The girl joined in: she had wanted a seven-up.

He brought what they asked of him and a plate with a sort of curry, meant for himself. The three were already devouring their hamburgers and I expected that they would let him enjoy his meal. But no, the woman gulped down her wine and wiggled the empty bottle in front of his eyes. He just nodded and got a new one for her and a beer for himself. There was a long line in front of the cashier, so it took him quite a while. In the meantime the children had finished their meal and just walked away without a word. The woman watched him eat his meal that must have been almost cold and gulped down the wine again. When it was gone she walked away too, without a word.

After he was done I saw him bringing away the plates. You are expected to do such: it is a self service restaurant. He had to walk two times to get rid of everything.

Then I saw him bending down to the floor. He picked up two lady purses and a sort of sports bag.

He dragged it all along out of the restaurant in the direction the fatso’s disappeared. I thought I had seen it all, but he came back one more time. He was searching for something on the floor and found it. A pair of sunglasses; regarding the shape and the colour (pink and purple), it was obviously not his own.

When I left the ferry the next day, I saw the family again. The three fat persons strolled slowly in the lift and he walked behind them with two backpacks and the sports bag on his shoulders and dragging a heavy suitcase on wheel along. He had to rush to get in in time. The doors closed on the suitcase and he had to pull it through.

Whenever I feel unhappy about my family I always think of this family and feel a lot better immediately.

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Heinz

Sometimes I thought my office was filled with just abnormal people and I fitted in well, but some people were really remarkable. One of the weirdest people I ever met there was Heinz. No idea what his job was. It looked like he only walked around. Like everybody else he was given a nickname by the others and not surprisingly this was: Heinz von Sprudelwasser.

Heinz was an elderly homosexual who lived in the neighbourhood. Once in a while you could see him walking around the shopping mall hand in hand with young guys. Gossip went that he paid them. Fact was that they never lasted. After one or two weeks they would disappear. Heinz himself was easily noticed. He normally would walk around in army suits, in the office he always was dressed in khaki coloured clothes. They reminded of army men in India in English films.

A normal conversation with him was not possible. He would start talking about his fighting in Angola and Namibia against the blacks. In his stories he was a well paid mercenary. He would boast about the amount of people he shot or would describe how to kill with a knife. At some point everybody was fed up with these stories. We would go back to work or just walk away, just ignoring him. Except for John. He could not stand these stories and would start a discussion about how wrong it all was and spoke out loud what we all were thinking: none of these stories were true.

Somehow the attention John gave did well for Heinz. So he made it into a habit to come over to John’s desk during lunch breaks, to grab a seat from somewhere and to start his annoying stories. John started to complain about it to others. But they told him it was his own fault. “Just don’t pay attention!” But this was easier said than done for John. He would sit there and eat his sandwiches while Heinz was trying to spoil his appetite by describing how to make a screwing movement with a knife in a blacks body. Swearing to be left alone only made Heinz laugh. He named John, “my lovely John”. And we thought he really fancied him.

One day one of us recommended to John to just get a newspaper and hide behind it while eating. This way there would not be contact and maybe Heinz would walk away. So the next day John was completely hidden by the newspaper. Heinz started to call him names, but John just stayed behind his shield. This went on some time. Then Heinz took a lighter out of pocket and put the newspaper on fire.

It took a while before John noticed what was happening because we didn’t warn him. We were flabbergasted. At the moment John dropped the paper it caught the fire almost totally and it set some files on fire too. Someone ran to get a fire extinguisher and then it soon was over. The pile of files on Johns desk was useless and his desk was flooded.

The same day Heinz was fired. He was walked out of the office by a security man.

After this I noticed that Heinz started to look scruffy whenever you saw him doing his shopping. There were no young friends any more. One day I was standing in line behind him and noticed how smelly he was. He always wore the same army clothes, but they seemed to shrink. He looked like being squeezed in them.

I saw him less and less walking by and in the office he and the fire incident seemed to be forgotten. Months later somebody showed an obituary in the local newspaper. Heinz died at age 54. A day later I was being told that he had committed suicide. Nobody of us went to the funeral.

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The Girl at the Till

After my divorce I was convinced I would stay on my own for the rest of my life. I didn’t have any confidence in relationships any more and I knew that people of my age were not attractive to women. That gave me a peaceful feeling. A man is considered to be a hunter, but for me the hunt was over. So my life consisted of working, sleeping and having meals with only music as company. These meals were often ready made and only needed to be heated in the micro wave. Feelings of loneliness were drowned in gallons of beer.

But suddenly I became aware that there had to be a sort of scent on me: available.

Buying a six pack of special beers lead to words of a woman behind me in the supermarket: “If you need help drinking that, I would love to help you out”. And she was not buying any beer herself.

There was a girl at the till who started little conversations about things I bought. Asked me to tell her how the taste of a sort of ready made meal was for me. Or what I thought about the new crisps. She was a slim girl with short brown curly hair. I always had been convinced my favourite type of women were the blondes. But this was not about attraction I told myself, she was just a nice person.

I got a bit addicted to this and I always tried to get to her counter if I had to go shopping. She would notice me and always gave me a little smile or a wink. Sometimes I would see her walking near the shop. Obviously she lived nearby. And she always greeted me at these times. After weeks, even months like this I started to look at her in a different manner. She was nice in a very common manner, not unattractive. But she was way too young for me. She looked like she was in her early twenties while I was in my early fifties. So I decided to let things be like they were. But I did notice on her badge that her name was Frances.

Some months later she completely disappeared; she never was at a till and I didn’t see her in the streets either. I completely forgot about her until I went to a party of friends.

One of their male friends I disliked a bit. He was only a few years younger than me. He would always talk about himself as being a very clever guy and always having the finest things. So he would show his new car or his new watch or very special clothes and whatever you could think of. In my mind I had given him the nickname Mister Lacoste.

He came in and had something new to show. His new wife was dressed like she was going to a gala and was wearing a necklace that must have been gold.

Even with her heavy make up I recognised Frances immediately. I could tell by the way she looked at me, that she knew exactly who I was too. Still we made no sign of recognition and became introduced to each other formally.

That night she never looked at me and I was really surprised that she changed such a lot because I could not help but observing her. Everything I could hear was about jewels and gold and expensive travels. Mister Lacoste made it very clear that the necklace was almost as expensive as his car. He left quite early with his young wife, told everybody they had a busy night ahead with a wink accompanied to this.

I saw him again at another party a long time after that. He was dressed a bit shabbily compared to his normal suits and was very loud mouthed. It looked like he had to show he was in anger. He was talking about a filthy little whore that divorced him and took half of his money. It appeared that they had been married without a marriage contract. This was also his last party with his friends; he was going to move to Florida the next week. His brother had the best car company of Florida and he was going to be a partner in this.

He was drinking heavily and my friends had to call a taxi to get him home when he became sick.

When I left the party I saw his expensive car in front of the house waiting in the rain.

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Tipsy

The three sisters were always very happy when their Grandfather came to stay with the family for a while. They were very fond of everything with fur their father would say. And they knew how to plead, so it was impossible for the father to deny the family a cat. He was pleased with this cat because it spent most of its time outdoors, even at night. So there was no more needed than some cat food to keep the animal happy.

The Grandfather would add some spice to the situation. Not only was he a very nice and happy person, but what made it even more fun was that he would take his little dog along. Grandfather really spoiled that dog, gave it a part of everything he ate and gave it a peaceful home. Grandfather was already 90 years old and took life as it came. He had a nice and easy life after long years of working hard. He had walked enough in his life, as he said and so walked the dog only once a day. He could tell a lot of stories from the good or bad old days and even the most horrible things sounded very funny when he told about them. So it was not so unexpected that he named the dog Tipsy.

Because of the good life Tipsy was quite fat. He was a little dog, impossible to say which breed, but he had really short legs and his belly would almost scrape on the floor when walking. Tipsy was not altogether happy in the house. The big cat would show up in unexpected places and made him jump up from fear. He would walk under a chair and the cat would tip him on the back and almost scare him to death. So Tipsy was always happy when the girls took him out for a walk. During the first walks he would get dog tired halfway so the girls had to carry him home. But he would get used to the routine and would even slim down a bit.

Grandfather often expressed his fondness for Tipsy. The dog was quite important to him, even while he had a big family that he saw frequently. He lived on the farm of his youngest son and had over there his own little apartment, even cooked his own dinner. But Grandfather was worried about what would become of Tipsy after he himself would be taken by the great Boss. You never knew when that time was due. After hearing this a few times the father promised Grandfather that he would take care of the dog and see to it that it would have a nice remainder for the rest of his life. That reassured Grandfather and made the three sisters very happy.

Half a year later Grandfather passed away in his sleep. Everybody in the family was sad, but they were happy that they all had been able to give Grandfather a nice old age. The girls asked the father when he was going to get Tipsy and bring him over. But the father told the children that Tipsy would be better off on the farm. Lots of room for him over there and he was used to the life over there. And they had to consider the cat too. The girls stopped asking because the father sounded very determined.

Weeks later the father made a telephone call to his younger brother. When he asked about Tipsy he was told that they had to bring Tipsy to the animal shelter. The busy life on the farm made it impossible for the brother and his wife to take care of the dog. After a few weeks in the shelter they decided to let him die, so he was given injections.

After hearing all this the three sisters gave the father a silent treatment for days. The name Tipsy was never mentioned again.

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Moonshine

An unforgettable party

The crisis in the western world in the thirties was felt by everybody, but in the cities it was the working class that got hit the most. One job per family was often not enough to get a proper meal every day. For the baker’s delivery man it meant that there was sufficient bread for all six members of the family, but often sandwiches “with love” were given to the children. Twice a week there would be some meat with their dinner, some bad weeks only once.

The delivery man was not happy with this situation; he wanted his loved ones to have the best there was in the world, but he was not even able to give them what they really needed.

On a nice Sunday he encountered a man while angling in the canal. The man was drinking a sort of brandy from a milk bottle. The man offered him a sip and it was not bad at all. Maybe the taste was a bit sharp, but the second sip was really nice. You had to get used to it. "He made this himself from methylated spirit", the man told the delivery man. He explained the process and what you needed to be able to do this. According to the man he sold some of his brandy to other people. Only problem was the police: you really needed to do things a bit hidden.

The delivery man bought distilling equipment the next week. It was not very hard to find what he needed. And the ingredients were very cheap. So soon it was his turn to sell some to neighbours and family. The extra income was very welcome; he made his wife very happy.When his next birthday was almost there, they decided to have a big party. The whole family and street was invited.

A lot of people knew how to make music with harmonicas and accordions. So soon half of the people were singing along with all these well known songs. The others were playing cards and gambled. They all really had a great time.

The party got disturbed by two uncles who got into a fight because of the cheating of one. The others just grabbed them both and threw them on the street. Cursing and shouting they went home, promising they would never return to this godforsaken house.

The situation became more serious when one of the cousins got into a delirium. Foaming and shaking he lay on the floor. The others were afraid of losing him forever. A doctor was needed, that was clear. What to do?

They decided to bring him home on the carrier tricycle of the delivery man. His home was at the other side of the city. They hid him under a blanket and he was brought home where neighbours got a doctor for him.

In the meantime the party broke up. The delivery man decided to take some safety measures and brought his distilling equipment away. He didn’t even tell his wife where he was hiding it.

Within a few days a big police force came to the house of the unlucky cousin and searched the house. They were looking for the distillery. Somehow they must have got word about the delirium of the cousin.

After not finding anything they searched every house in the surrounding streets. Pamphlets were hung asking for tips of the people about the whereabouts of the distillery and there was an announcement on it what sentences illegal distillers could get.

When everything seemed to be forgotten the delivery man tried to find his equipment again. It was gone. So he came home empty handed.

The wife pleaded him not to buy new equipment. She could see herself raising the four children on her own while he would spend his days behind bars. He agreed not to start distilling again.

The party became legendary in the family; it was never surpassed.

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